


The Perks Of Being A Creampuff

by Torzan92



Category: Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-04-19 03:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 12,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4731182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torzan92/pseuds/Torzan92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura is a new freshman in a new school with no friends. That is until she meets a couple of seniors who let her in their crazy world and eventually become a family written through a series of letters. <br/>Based around The Perks of Being a Wallflower</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear friend

**Author's Note:**

> This story is loosely based off The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. It's personally one of my favorite stories.
> 
> I'm trying to write in the same format as the original author of the original story.
> 
> Chapters might be short.
> 
> A lot is going to happen but I will warn you when the time comes. 
> 
> If you've never read the book or seen the movie give it a look see. You won't be disappointed.

       Dear friend, 

I heard that you would listen if I really needed you too. That's why I'm writing to you. We don't know each other and I plan in keeping it that way. Please do not take offense to this, I just need to know that people like you exist and are real. The kind of person who doesn't sleep with others even if they can, or the kind of people who would go out of their way to help other. I need you to be real. I'm happy and sad and I don't understand why.  I'd really like to find out though. 

I feel like I might have problems.  Everyone has problems. I think it's something that happens in the home. The girl my brother use to date had problems in the home. They don't date anymore.

Sometimes I think we have problems in the home. My mom is no longer around and my dad works too much. He's a quiet man, but he's my dad. He does the best he can and I love him for that. He's not like my Uncle Vordie though.

Uncle Vordie and my dad are brothers. I remember once when I was 8, my uncle came to live with us. He lived with is for a couple of years. He was always upset. Saying how it was an accident all the time. Apparently something bad  had happened.  When I had asked him about it,  he got very upset. My dad did as well. He ended up slaping me.

I stopped asking after that. My uncle got very mad and asked my dad not to hurt me again. I guess some do have it worse.

Anyways,  tomorrow I start a new school.  Not just any kind of school,  but high school.  I'm extremely nervous. It be one thing if I had friends,  but I don't.  I just needed to get some thoughts out. I'm going to bed now.

                                          Love always,

                                                    Laura


	2. Beginnings of high school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to states now that I don't own the characters or the storylines from the book or from carmilla. 
> 
> Also I don't want you to think misgendering. With that T/W for mild bullying and misgendering.

Dear friend,

High school is the absolute worst.  I don't like it. I've been here for three weeks and it's not getting any easier.  The kids are not very nice.  They like to make fun of everyone regardless if they're friends or not. They also like to make fun of me.

One girl said she wanted to swirling me. I didn't know what that meant. She laughed at me. Apparently it's when the dunk your head in the toilet and flush it. She then grabed me and pushed me to the bathrooms.  I managed to get out of her grasp, I turned around and punched her in the throat.  Someone was nice though and stuck up for me. They said i was just defending myself so I didn't get in trouble. 

I at least thought my brother JP would be nice to me. He started dating some girl named Betty. She's a prissy blonde who I believe smells like a hospital. She likes to make him a bunch of mix tapes though. He says it drives him absolutely insane. "Do you want it?" he'll say.

I felt weird for taking it, but she has really good taste in music and I kind of wanted to see what was on it.

Though he won't let me hang out with them at school,  they do allow me to watch tv with them at home. One night they got into an argument after it ended. It's like they almost forgot I was in the room with them. Betty said he was soft and she was basically asking for a fight. It's like she wanted him to yell at her. He never did so she slapped him as hard as she could across the face. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do.  She always seemed nice. The next day JP and Betty made it official. I feel like it's forced in a way and makes me uneasy. 

Probably the best part the past few weeks is "Nothing". Nothing is a senior in my shop class. I don't know much about Nothing.  Nothing's real name is Susan.  She doesn't like being called Susan though and asked to be called LaFontaine.  I was told when she was younger and had just moved here, she told the teachers she wanted to be called LaFontaine.  When they asked why she said she something about being nonbinary. I don't really know what that means. Anyway she said "you call me LaFontaine or you call me nothing." So now that's all she gets called.

She does really good impressions though of our teacher. It almost makes me forget how sad she looks when she gets called Nothing. 

Oh and JP says he wants his mix back.  I don't know how I feel about this. Just thinking about it makes me feel uneasy. 

Love Always, 

Laura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think LaFontaine makes a good Patrick. Glad with that choice. If you don't know what I'm referring to then read the book/see the movie


	3. M*A*S*H and Football Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't really sleep right now so I'm just going to keep cranking out chapter until I can.
> 
> A little more misgendering but that will end shortly for now.

Dear friend, 

The past couple of weeks have been kind of confusing.  It's been kind of good and kind off bad. If anything,  my family have been making it bearable. I just wish I had friends. 

I remember thus one time when I was little,  we al stayed up late to watch the last episode of M*A*S*H. It was my dad's favorite show. He never left the sofa for anything while it was on. But he left part way through during the last episode. I followed him to the kitchen and I saw him crying. It was his favorite and now it's over. I'd probably cry too. "Can we keep this our little secret? " I remember him asking. I want friends that I can share and keep secrets with.

I love my dad and brother.  It's just the three of us. My mom left when I was little.  I don't think I will fully understand why she did it. She did it though. It makes me sad thinking about how people consider my family broken. I can understand since it's just the three of us, but I consider myself very lucky. At least I'm loved by them and they are lived by me. I don't think we're broken at all.

For some reason though, I decided to go to my school's football game. I don't know what compelled me to do so. I don't know much about football. I just people watch. Try and figure out if people are in love or if they're happy or sad. I think about what they want to do or what they dream about. Then I saw Nothing. 

Nothing seemed approachable even though she was yelling "GO PERRY". Perry's the captain of the cheerleading squad and one of the most popular girl in school. Seemed odd to be cheering on a cheerleader at a football game. 

"Hey! We're in shop together right?" She seems friendly. 

"Yeah. I'm Laura."

"I'm LaFontaine or Laf. They/them pronouns please. And this is Carmilla." She said... I mean they said pointing to a pretty girl with dark curly hair.

"Hey cupcake" she said with a smirk. I didn't even know that look was possible. 

So I'm going to call Nothing Laf by now since LaFontaine is too long. And I'm going to do my best to use the correct pronouns. I see the way sh... THEY look when they gets called Nothing and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. 

After the game, Laf invited me to go to Silas with them and Carmilla for some food. It made me happy to get invited.  Silas was clearer than the surroundings at the football game. I could tell that Carmilla wasn't pretty... she was gorgeous in her leather jacket and white v neck. I wish I could pull something like that off.

Carmilla and Laf chained smoked as they asked me questions. Here are a few examples:

"How old are you?"

"Fifteen"

"What do you want to do when you grow up?"

"I don't know.  I like reading and I enjoy writing, so maybe something with that."

"What's your favorite book?"

"Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy."

"Why??

"It's the longest one I've ever read." They both laughed  at that answer. 

I liked the two of them. They seemed to really bond with one another.  I even tried to be cool and said "how long have you been together?" The two of them were silent, looked at each other, then busted out in laughter.

"We aren't toget her cupcake. Laf is my step sibling.  They're dad married my wretched mother."

"Oh sorry about that. I shouldn't have assumed."

"Yeah you shouldn't assume two queer kids are together" Carmilla said as she lit another cigarette. Is that why her voice is so raspy? It suits her.

"But I thought Laf was nonbinary."

"I am. It basically means that I don't feel male or female, but in between.  That's why I don't like she/her pronouns. But just because I'm nonbinary doesn't mean I'm not gat. Don't listen to that broody lesbo over there. She just learned the term queer and is trying to sound cool." Carmilla then flips the middle finger to Laf ad they and I laugh. We finished eating our food and they gave me a ride home.

That night I had an odd dream about Carmilla. We were hanging out in my living room watching tv on the sofa. She looked at me and was smirking as she straddled my lap and started kissing me. I woke up right after. I always knew I was gay and would like to ask Carmilla out on a date sometime.  I don't know if she will like that though. In a way I feel bad for even thinking about her in that way. I just want to have friends and tonight,  I felt like I actually had some.

Love Always, 

Laura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. Last one for tonight.


	4. Infinite Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W  
> Talks of abuse relationship  
> Talks of rape  
> Talks of drug/alcohol use  
> Talks of suicide
> 
> Kind of a big chapter. There's a lot that goes on in this one. Learn a sliver of Carmillas past aND why Laura has no friends. 
> 
> As much as some intense stuff goes on in this chapter it ends on a good note. 
> 
> I also want to mention that I don't own any of this. I have taken some of the the important statements from the book. I credit it all to the original author
> 
> Let me know what you think so far. Would love to hear your comments.

Dear friend, 

I think I did something stupid.  That uneasy feeling I had about JP and Betty never went away. She always hits him when she gets angry and he just takes it. It makes her more mad so she starts to tell him he's worthless. They don't know I watch them or hear them when they fight. "I'll never hit a woman" he says when I ask why he doesn't fight back. 

JP says not to worry about it or to say anything to dad. That he has enough stress going on at work and is too busy.  So I went to one of my favorite teachers. They told me that I had to let my dad know and that abuse was abuse regardless which gender it's coming from.  Then he said something I don't think I could ever forget.  "We accept the love we think we deserve."

I told my dad. He wasn't happy. He thanked me for being and honest and told JP he was proud of him for not fighting back, but he didn't like the idea of them dating and wanted them to breal up.

"You're such a freak Laura.  No wonder you have no friends.  I hate you and I will never forgive you for this."

"I'm not trying to be a freak.  I just love you and care about you and don't want to see you get hurt."

That was the last interaction we had before he slammed the door in my face. It's been two weeks and we still haven't spoken. 

Friday was the homecoming football game. I saw Laf and Carmilla right away.  I sat down and said the first thing that came to mind.

"Laf. Carm. Been a while.  How's life treating you all? I see your body parts are still intact Laf.  See you're still broody Carm.  So young, so pretty though, considering you can out smoke the devil himself.  Well look at the time. My publisher needs that article stat. See you Labor Day.  Gotta go.  Bye!" 

I made up for my awkwardness with food and soda. Carmilla laughed and said "funny cupcake.  But if you call me Carm again, you won't live to go to Kirsch's with us tomorrow after the dance." That's right. BOOM! I got invited to my first party.

Laf laughed at us then cheered on Perry.  Seriously.  What is going on there? I don't get it.

I never been to a party,  but my brother threw one when he was a freshman.  Dad was away for business so JP took the opportunity to throw one. I remember loud music and and lots of beer can everywhere. 

JP told me to stay in my room. At one point I hid in my closet when I heard a couple coming into my room. They sat on my bed and started kissing. They didn't know I was there. I didn't know what to do so I just sat there. 

He kept saying things like "come on baby.  It will feel good" or "you turned me on, so you need to get me off". Those were followed by her with a bunch of "stops" and "nos". He took off his pants and got on top of her and started moving.  I saw her struggle, but as soon as it started it stopped. I heard her cry and that made me feel sad.

Carmilla,  Laf,  and I went to Silas after the game still talking about the party tomorrow.  I told them about the only parry I experienced and they both went guiet. I ruined it by asking questions. 

"She was raped wasn't she?"

"Shut up Laura!"  Carmilla lit up and walked away.  Laf told me that the girl's name was SJ. They were freshmen and her and Carmilla just broke up. SJ got drunk at the party and was raped. They then stated that SJ and her rapist were still together and that Carmilla blames herself for it since she dumped SJ. 

Saturday was homecoming.  Dad made JP take me. He's still mad. We got more mad when he saw Betty with another boy. I saw a lot of people having fun and dancing.  I was still upset about the previous night's conversation Laf and I had and how Carm blames herself. So I stayed by the wall. Then I saw Laf and Carmilla. Both in suits. Well Laf was. Carmilla was in leather pants, black top, and a black blazer. Holy crap balls did she look good.  A lot better than my maroon dress. "Come on cupcake. We're going to Kirsch's."

I didn't trust the vehicle one bit. The truck we drove in looked like an accident waiting to happen.  Then Carm heard a song she liked and crawled threw a tiny window into the bed of the truck, where she then stood with her arms spread towards the sky. She looked so beautiful and free. "What is it Laura?" Laf would say and I would smile and be content and say" I don't ever want to forget this moment. 

Kirsch is an interesting guy. He greeted the door with a bud light in one hand and a joint (which I found out what is was later was weed) hanging out of his mouth shouting"dudes" and "bros" and "dude-bros" and "hotties". 

"Everyone who wants to get get baked like a cake follow me!" He looked so excited and I heard something about cake so I followed.  He gave me a brownie, which wasn't cake, but still did the trick in the form of sweets. Everyone was being ice to me and Kirsch hugged me and everyone asked me questions and we laughed and had  fun.

I saw Perry come down stair and went to Kirsch who then pointed back to the stairs. As soon as went went back up, Carmilla came down. Her voice sounded so pretty when she spoke. Out brief interaction was kind of funny though.

"Cupcake are you stoned?"

"No. I'm skin."

"Yep. Stoned. How you feeling?"

"Hungry."

"What do you want?"

"A milkshake.?

 She smiled and laughed and took my hand and it felt nice in mine. Then I did something stupid. 

"You're a giant softie Carm."

"Told you not to call me that creampuff. How you liking your first party?"

"It's so much fun. I wish Natalie was here to experience it.  Her dad always drank so I doubt she would have ever come."

"Oh yeah? And where is Natalie?  Table dancing somewhere I hope."

"She shot herself last April.  She was one of my favorite things in the world and she ended just like M*A*S*& ended for my dad. Now i have no friends. I'm going to go to the bathroom."

I didn't have to go to the bathroom. But I did have to get out of there. My mouth wouldn't stop moving and her face started to look unbearable.  It looked like it was mixed with sadness,  shock, and pity. It then dawned on me that I have never been here and I don't know where the bathroom is. So I started opening up random doors. 

I opened one and I saw Perry in Laf's lap and kissing them. Oops.  Perry saw me and freaked out asking who I was and that things needed to "BE NORMAL!" and Laf said it was fine and that I was a friend and would keep their secret. 

The milkshake was great though. I saw Carm and Laf talking and looking at me. It looked like Carm said something about why didn't have any friends. It mad me sad until Laf came up and they made a toast in my honor.  It confused me and when I asked why they said "you my friend are a wallflower...." "more like a creampuff" "thank you broody mcbrooders.  As I was saying before Carmilla so rudely interrupted me. You are a wallflower. You see things, you keep quiet, and you understand.  You're one of us now my froshy friend." It felt amazing hearing them call me their friend.

We got back into the metal death trap and a beautiful song called "Heroes" came on. And I said "Tonight,  with you two by my side, I'm feeling infinite." Laf smiled and Carm squeezed my leg gently the lights in the tunnel was soothing and matched the down beats of the song. And I smiled knowing I will always remember the tunnel song and how I felt.

Love Always, 

Laura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think guys? I'd love to know. Also the song I Heroes I used from the movie. It's by David Bowie. Leave your comments below.


	5. LaFontaine and Perry's Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intro to Danny and we learn about the start of Laf and Perry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda just a filler chapter but is important nonetheless. Nothing instense.
> 
> How am I doing so far though guys?

Dear friend, 

It's finally November.  It's my favorite time of the year.  The leaves have already changed colors and I get to wear my favorite sweaters. My favorite part is just walking around and listening to the mixes I stole from JP. I thibk this is what I would call me "zen".

This girl I met at the part talked about it a lot. Her name is Danny and she's a Buddhist. She's also very tall and has red hair. She seemed nice though. 

At the party, she told me that I looked good in my dress. She's also a senior and hangs out in the same circle as Carm and Laf. I even see them sneak out at lunch for a smoke.

Laf and I also talked about what I walked in on at the party. I felt bad. I didn't know they were a thing. I guess I understand now why Laf always cheers on Perry. 

Apparently in the beginning of last year, they both went to the same party. Small talk was made and they ended up fooling around. Laf said they were both drinking,  but not enough to get black out drunk. So come Monday, Perry would say "I was so wasted Friday night. I don't remember a single thing" and would ignore Laf. The following week,  they be at the same party and the same events would occur.  Come Monday, Perry would say "I was so wasted Friday night. I don't remember a single thing." This went on for most of the year.

The last party of the year, perry got drunk and she and Laf had sex for the first time.  Afterwards,  Perry freaked out. Her parents sent her some mental health rehab for the summer. Laf found out through a friend. 

When school started back up, Perry would completely ignore Laf at all costs up until a week ago. She threw rocks at Laf's window. Now they sneak around at parties or meet ups on the football field.  Perry said it needs to be a secret. The only people who know are Laf's close friends. 

I asked Laf is they were upset about it and they said no. That even if they're sneaking around now and things are messy, Perry loves them and vice versa. 

Love Always, 

Laura


	6. The Rocky Horror Picture Show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter was short so here's another one.   
> Again I own nothing from either stories. I hope you guys are enjoying the story. Things are starting to get good and it only gets better

Dear friend, 

When I grow up, ice decided that I want to be a writer.  Right now I'm working for a fanzine called  _HARDCORE ROCKY!_ It's all about music and the _ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW._ Danny runs it.

I don't know how I feel about her yet. She seemed nice and I thought that was because she's a Buddhist,  but she the polar opposite. She's intense and has piercings and tattoos.  Mainly she acts like my dad after a long stressful day. But with her, it never stops.  She also talks about her dislike of JP.  It's annoying. 

Danny also runs the local theater that runs the  _ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW._ It's this crazy musical about aliens and transvestites. It's hard to explain.  But people dress up as the characters and they play the movie and people act it out the same time the movie is playing.  Whenever you hear the name "Brad" you scream "asshole" and whenever you hear "Janet" you scream "slut". It's fun.

Laf and Carmilla are actually in it. Laf plays the character of Frank N Furter.  Laf wanted this character to demonstrate equal rights since a male usually plays him. And Carm plays Janet. 

She's really good as Janet.  And like holy crap does she look good in a corset. I mean... wow. She looks good. But I feel bad because she's up there in her underwear and some guy touches her boobs and I kina want to be that guys. But like I said, I feel bad because she's my friend. 

I kind of love her though. Not in the get down on one knew, profess my love to you while I hold a boom box raised towards your window kind of way. Looks aside, she's just something different.  She's mean to everyone.  Her attitude sucks and she never wants to help with anything.  But it's like with me, all that goes away. She's nice to me and is smiling a lot.  The only other people she does that to is Laf and Ell. 

Ell is Carmilla's new girlfriend. Kind of a bitch if you ask me. She's putting herself though art school by modeling.  I don't know what Carm sees in her. Ell won't even be paying attention to Carmilla and she'll do whatever it takes for Ell to notice her.

It all started when Ell needed some help with some phototherapy for a project. "She only picked Carm for her looks" Laf says. Actually Ell said the exact same thing. In front of Carm nonetheless. Then Laf told Carm to "stop letting people make you small". They fought and Carmilla left with Ell.

I asked JP about Carmilla and if she always acted this way. He said she never really did relationships but she always had "study buddies" when they were younger. She wanted to be well liked and she had low self esteem. So she put always put out and never received. Once word got out,  she became how she is now.

The idea of Carmilla sleeping around to be liked made me angry. I really love her and just want to show her that she can be liked without sex. Even of its just by me.

JP also told me him and Betty are back together.  I dont like it and I promised not to say anything.  Even to teachers. At least he's talking to me again. 

Love Always, 

Laura


	7. Secret Santa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group comes together for secret santa. Some get gifts some don't and some get more than they thought they would

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been like a week. Had to pick up extra shifts at the old pizza joint. That and I've started dating again. That and allergy season is so bad I end up marathoning Boy Meets World episodes. With that being said here's another chapter. Hope you all enjoy it
> 
> T/W  
> Talks of sexual abuse with a child  
> Might be hard for some but it doesn't go on depth of anything

Dear friend, 

Do you know about secret santa? In case you don't, it's when you pick a person at random and get them a Christmas gift. Make sure you don't tell them that you picked them though. It's a secret after all.

I got Laf. I knew right away what to get them. I remember one day them telling me how much they enjoyed science,  so I went and got them one of those kiddie science kits. I also got them a mix tape. I didn't work too hard on it so I hope they enjoy it. Whoever my secret santa is got me a suit which I was told to wear at Carm and Laf's. I didn't even knew they made suits for girls.

Carm and Laf hold a party on the last day of school before winter break. That's when we all get together and discuss what we got, who we thought gave it to us, and why. There were a few people I didn't know there. I hoped it didn't make things awkward for my surprise. 

Laf totally guessed it was me and everyone kind of knew. I didn't pay too much attention what others got. I just wanted to focus on my friends. I know Carm gave Kirsch a piece pipe. Everyone laughed when she slapped him on the head saying "better not light up in here beefcake." And I found out that Laf was my secret santa.  When I asked why all the clothes they said "all the great writers wear suits."

Even though we were only suppose to give one person gifts, I wanted to show my friends I cared about them. I gave Kirsch bubbles because I knew he would get high and it would keep him in one place. Danny got $20 to print her fanzine in color. It hurt my eyes reading all the black, white, and grey. And I gave Carm hers last. 

When I was younger, my Uncle Vordie gave me a 45 record of The Beatles "Something". When I listened to it, I always thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world.  I wanted to give it to someone who shared that beauty.  It reminded me of Carmilla. 

Even though she's mean, she's sweet in the way she does things. She makes it seem like helping people is a chore and she complains the entire time, but it is the fact that she just does it without asking questions.  It's the way she was there for Laf last year. And it is in the way that she let me in and gave me a new family of friends. Yes she's obviously nice to look at, but it's what inside that truly makes her beautiful to me.

I explained her this in a letter and she got up and hugged me. Some saw it as out of character because Danny said "I thought vamps didn't cry" whereas Carm replied with a "shut up Xena".

She later told me to follow her to her room. It was totally her. Pictures and posters plastered on dark red walls. Book shelves lining an entire wall, filled with books. A few dirty clothes on the floor. She put the record on and told me I looked good and she thinks that Danny has the hots for me. Then she showed me this old typewriter.  It already had a sentence typed on the paper that said "write about me" and I typed "I will".

"So cupcake.  Ever been kissed?"

"No."

"No one?  Not even when you were a kid?"

"No. No one. Who was your first kiss?" She looked so sad when I asked. I hope I didn't say something wrong.

"Need to keep some aire of mystery... No? Okay... my first kiss... my first kiss was when I was 8 with this guy named Marcus."

"Was he one of your little boyfriend before you knew you were gay?"

"No Marcus is my mom's boss. He comes over for dinner and business stuff all the time. Always have, probably always will."

"Carm, my favorite person ever was my uncle.  He was everyday until I met you. Now you're my favorite person." I told her this so she knew that it's ok and that it meant the world to have her trust me.

"So we both know I like Ell and that she and I are together.  I know she's not here right now. Right now, that doesn't matter. All that matters is you. I took a liking to you. Hell,  I even lo... Look, I want to make sure that the first person you ever kiss, loves you. I love you Laura."

"I love you too Carm."

That's how I got my first kiss. She kissed softly and it was gentle and nice. It's another reason I think Carm is beautiful. After that she held me in a tight hug and cried a bit. It must be hard to have to see him all the time. She said she told her mom but her mom didn't believe her. I know it's wrong, but I hope that's all that happened to her. I just hope everything will be fine later for me. Lately things have been starting to get bad.

Love Always, 

Laura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always the story and characters are not mine. I hope you all liked it. Leave comments or kudos if you did or both. I'd Tammy like to get some feed back from everyone.


	8. Birthdays and Hospitals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learn a little bit about Laura and Uncle Vordie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know in the series Vordenburg is old. Let's try to imagine him younger for the sake of the story  
> T/W  
> Talks of suicide  
> Talks of mental health issues  
> Talks of sexual abuse   
> Sorry about all of this. It's necessary for the story though. It doesn't get too graphic though I promise

Dear friend, 

My birthday is coming up soon. In fact it's the day before Christmas. Laf and Carm went to some ski resort, so it's just my family and I. I can start to feel me going to that bad place though. 

It started right after my Uncle Vordie passed away. It's hard to think about it, but it gets harder this time of year.

My dad always asks " are you ok?" I'll say I'm fine. I'm not though. Not in the slightest. He says "Don't do this to yourself." He always sees right through me. He knows when I'm bothered. The thing is, I'll always do this to myself. I'm the one to blame. Then the panic attacks come. There is a lot of heavy breathing and I cry. My dad ends up holding me saying everything will be fine shorty. It bever feels that way though. 

It helps to visit the cemetery. My dad often can't take me and JP doesn't like going, so I often just walk. I always leave him a card and write everyone's name on it. I tell him that we miss him and we love him. It helps for a moment. 

My uncle was always unhappy.  He kept it hidden, bit he drank a lot.  He would get into fights a lot. I was always curious about his scars and his hands and wrists. At such a young age I didn't understand. 

JP told me later that my uncle tried to kill himself. He came home when he was real young, back before mom left, and he found him in the bathroom.  He had cuts on his arm and then one deep cut going up. It was still bleeding when they came home.

My uncle was always in and out of the hospital after that. I loved my uncle,  bit I knew he was kind of crazy. JP also told me that terrible things happened to my uncle when he was a kid. JP found his journal once and found out that a family friend had been molesting him for years. It really screwed him up. I hope it doesn't screw Carm up.

He never killed himself though. He passed away in a car accident.  It was my seventh birthday.  He always got me two presents because he thought it was unfair to only get one. So he left. It was really snowy out and a drunk driver ran a red light. He died immediately. 

I remember a police officer showing up and telling my dad what happened.  He cried instantly.  He was handed a small disc. It was the 45 record I gave Carm for Christmas. 

I don't remember what really happened that night. I woke up on Christmas in the hospital. Too many people asking me too many questions I didn't have the answers to. It's where I spent the holidays.  It's where I stayed during the funeral. I gate that I missed it. All I wanted was a chance to say goodbye. 

They say it's not my fault, but I know that it is. He was getting my gift on my birthday.  If I didn't need to have two gifts, he'd still be here starting to turn grey. He's not though and things are bad. If I don't get it under control, they'll just get worse. 

Love Always, 

Laura


	9. New Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura attends another party where things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey its been a while. I was able to finish this chapter by mere memory of what happens. Long story short though my ex refuses to give me back my copy of the book so I need to buy a new one. Anyways here's the latest chapter  
> TW  
> Drug use

Dear friend,

I'm 16 now and I have my license. I drove to Silas for the first time. I saw that Laf and Carm are back. I also saw that they were with Ell and Perry. I felt jealous. I left before any of them saw me.

While I was out, I ran into Kirsch. He gave me a big hug. He told me about his New Years party and how "out of the broness of his heart that he was inviting me. So I decided to go.

The party was crazy. Bigger than the homecoming party. Everyone was there.I saw Danny and sat by her. She gave me something white and told me to swallow. I found out later it was LSD. It was an odd feeling. A red dragon kept following me around. Then somehow I found myself clearing the driveway of snow.

Carmilla came outside to smoke and saw me. "Look at the stars. They're beautiful. They're one of my favorite things. We're so small in comparison to them". And I felt small. In that moment, all I wanted to do was reach for her hand and look at the stars. I wanted to so badly.

Kirsch found me later and said I could stay the night. Then the countdown began. Everyone seemed so happy. Danny was jumping for joy with Laf. Kirsch wad downing shot after shot in unison to the countdown, and Carm... she was dragging Ell into a bedroom.

As luck would have it, my room was next to theirs. It's not fair. I can't stop picturing them only a few feet away. I can hear them enjoying each other in a very private way. It hurts so much and for some reason, I can't help but cry. I like her too much. I couldn't continue to listen to them have sex though, so I left.

The snow was perfect that night. I don't even know how to begin to explain how peaceful the ground looked. Snow everywhere and untouched. It was peaceful and beautiful. It made me feel at ease after everything that happened at Kirsch's. I did the only logical thing I could think of at the time, I made a snow angel. I closed my eyes and thought it was perfect just like the snow.

I opened my eyes to a few police officers looking down at me the next morning. They rushed me to the hospital to get my body temp back to normal. My dad was there and looked worried. Everyone wanted to know what happened. Somehow I panicked and explained that I slept walked. My dad looked nervous. I use to sleep walk a lot as a kid. My family would find me in odd places

He keeps popping up in my mind. I don't know why but my uncle keeps popping up and I can't get it to stop. I want it to. Also, no more LSD.

Always,  
Laura


	10. More Rocky and Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura is thrown into a situation leading to a not so bad outcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a pretty happy go lucky chapter. No trigger warnings or anything. Just the gang having a gay ol time.

Dear friend, 

I got a new psychiatrist.  He seems pretty nice. He kind of just let's me rant about things. I feel better after our sessions. This past week has just been amazing though. I have a date to the Sadie Hawkins dance. 

Usually a girl asks a guy, but in this case, a girl asked another girl. And those two girls are Danny and I. It all happened at the last _Rocky Horror Show._ The performer who plays Rocky never showed up. I think they grew desperate since it's a guy's part and they asked me. Well, Danny more like begged me.

It was odd thoigh. They put a wig on my and bound my chest and made me get in gold spandex and tank top. The only thing that really made me nervous though was I had to touch Carmilla. Sexually that is.

I know Ell was there. She's been coming ever since her and Carmilla started dating. I told Carm I was nervous about it. If it would upset Ell. While I confessed my fears, she grabbed my hands and placed them on her boobs. "There cupcake.  Now when we go and do it on stage and won't be as bad.  As for Ell, she knows that what we're doing is acting". That kind of crushed me. I don't want it to be acting. I was hoping the first time I would touch her, it would mean something to the both of us. Now it just feels cheap.

Needless to say,  I had a lot of fun playing Rocky. I tried hard to push my feelings aside as Carm and I touched each other. I didn't mind the fish nets and corset either. Laf had a good laugh out of it.

Later we all went to Silas to celebrate. I gave Danny a ride. We sat in the car and had some small talk while we waited for the others to show up. "You looked good up there Hollis". It made me smile to be given some form of appreciation. She grabbed my hand and told me she really liked me and then she asked me to the dance. She looked nervous.  I sat and thought there was no way Carmilla would ask me. Her and Ell would go. And if Ell didn't go, she would go with Laf since Perry would go with her "boyfriend" Will. So i said yes. I'm going on my first date ever with Danny and I'm actually looking forward to it. 

Later I told JP and asked him advice on dating and girls and dating girls. He looked tired and drained. He just stared in space and walked past me. It was weird.  But the first time in a while,  I could feel myself smiling. It was nice. 

Love Always, 

Laura


	11. First Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Danny go to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Dear friend, 

I went on my first date with Danny.  It was a whirlwind of a mess. Let me start off with saying that Danny is a nice girl. She's smart and brave and all sorts of righteous, but after the dance, I don't know if it would work out.

Carm gave me advice beforehand.  Told me to ask questions and to listen. And I did that. I learned a lot about Danny that night.I learned that her favorite color is red and she's a vegetarian. She enjoys foreign films and wants to major in women studies at NYU. She's a feminist and hates objectifying women. 

At one point Danny left and I just stood by the wall. Carm came and stood by me. She showed up with Laf. Ell had refused to go to a high school dance. It clearly made Carm upset. I told her that if Ell likes her,  she should have come. That's what I would do. She gave me a small smile and said "thanks cupcake " before she left me. Danny came back from wherever she was and asked to dance. 

We danced. It was fun. I'm not the best dancer but Danny said it was ok. The only thing that sucked was at one point, I saw JP and SJ dancing. Then they weren't and JP left. I tried to chase after him, but by the time I reached the door, he was gone.

Danny ended up taking me back to her house. Her parents were at some fundraiser so it was just the two of us. She gave me some alcoholic beverage that burned my throat on the way down and asked me if I thought she was pretty. I said she was very pretty. She then kissed me. 

Kissing Danny was different than kissing Carm. First off Carmilla and I were not on an uncomfortable sofa. Second off Danny wasn't Carmilla. It was nice don't get me wrong. It just wasn't there. We kept kissing though. Next thing I know tops of dresses are unzipped and pulled down. My hands found boobs and my boobs found hands. And then car doors were being shut and parents were walking in. It was not a fun car ride home.

Once I got home though, I missed that awkward car ride. JP was sitting in the living room.  His eyes were red and puffy. He was upset. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that SJ was pregnant and that she got an abortion. He was upset and angry that she didn't tell him until after while at the dance. She then told him that it didn't matter because the baby wasn't his. Apparently she was cheating on him. I held him while he cried. I told him everything would be ok. I no longer had time to worry about myself. My brother needed me. I love him so I made sure to be there. 

Love Always, 

Laura


	12. Laura's Second Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Danny have their second date. Some sexy times ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a very long absent, I'm back with another chapter. So for some who don't know, I was going to a simple college and was given a fandom to write fanfiction for my lit class. Well I dropped out of normal college and am now a full time culinary student who also works full time so things come up. But I fell in love with this fandom and decided to continue to write when I get the time. So new chapter!

Dear friend, 

So Danny asked me out again. I said yes. I think that means she likes me. I also think that I should ask her out from time to time. I think she would like that. I want to show her that I also like her.

Since I'm sixteen now and can drive, I asked my dad if could borrow the car to take out Danny. 

"Isn't the guy who asks you out suppose to pick the girl up? Not that I like the idea of you going on a date, but still. Tell me about this Danny." So I did. I told him almost everything about Danny.  Except the fact that Danny is a she and not a he. My dad doesn't know that I'm gay yet and I don't think it's the best time to tell him. Then things got real awkward. 

"Now Laura, I was a kid once and I know that sometimes kids get urges. I don't want to think about you having sex, especially on the first date, but if you do, use protection. And if you say no, then the boy should be respectful and stop. If he doesn't then he will have hell to pay. And if he says no, then you stop. It goes both ways sweetheart."

Did I mention that was at the dinner table and JP thought it was just hilarious.  I'm glad he's feeling better though. 

The date felt like the same as the one we went on at the Sadie Hawkins dance. With that being said, it was also different.  We went to the movies. It was weird because there were subtitles and I've never seen a movie with subtitles.  She said it was an "art film" and she hates that everyone loves and is obsessed with Hollywood. 

Afterwards we drove to an underground record store. She talked about how she couldn't wait to go to NYU and leave this place. Once we got there, she talked about all these different artists and even bought me a Billie Holiday record. 

After that, she asked me to take her home and to come inside with her. She took me to her room and she put on the record she bought me.she went and got some Brandy from her parents liquor cabinet. Then we started to make out.

She sat on her bed and pulled me on top of her so that I was basically straddling her. As embarrassed as I am to admit, I started to move my hips.  She took her shirt off and asked me to take her bra off. Let me just say that those things are tricky. Once her bra was gone, I just stared at her.

"You like me right?" Danny said. I nodded. "Why won't you touch me then?" She said while I shrugged  she asked if I was nervous and I nodded again.  She told me that I didn't need to be. She took my hands and placed them on her boobs and made me squeeze them. They felt so good in my hands. I could feel her nipples getting hard in my palms and she liked it a lot. We started to make out some more and my hips started to move against her again. She moaned as she rubbed her hands up and down my thighs and it was like something clicked inside of me. It was an uneasy feeling and I stopped kissing her and just stared.

She looked at me and asked if I thought she was pretty. I said yes and then we heard the garage door. I got off of her and she got dressed. She walked me to the door and kissed me goodnight. 

The drive home wasn't pleasant. My mind was trying to tell me something but at the same time it was trying to keep something from me. It made me feel sick to my stomach.

Love Always, 

Laura


	13. Truth or Dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A game of truth or dare. What could possibly go wrong

Dear friend,   
I don't know how, but everything is a mess. Actually I know how it happened. It's all my fault.

I just don't know how to express myself. Danny and I have been dating for two weeks. It started out fun because someone liked me for me. But all she did was talk about herself. One time we were at school, I walked home, ands as soon as I got home, she called me and wanted to know what was up. All I could talk about was my walk home. Then she went on to talking about how I shouldn't have done that and how something could have happened to me. Then she turned the entire conversation and herself and college. At one point I went to tell her I was going to the bathroom and she told me not to interrupt her. 

JP says I need to be honest and tell her how I feel. The thing is, I can't do that. I like her, I do. I just don't want to hurt her.

The other thing is, she just tells everyone about our business. I went to school the other day and Laf and Carm knew all about our little sexapades. If you can even call it that. Laf ate it up. Called us "cute". Carmilla said it was great and that she was happy to see me happy. 

Honestly, I've been avoiding Danny as much as possible. All we do is talk about her. About what she likes, what she wants to do, how I should be safe. And as sad as I am to admit this, I'm tired of touching her boobs. I honestly need to learn how to be honest. I just don't know how. The thing is I was honest. Just in the worst way possible. 

We had just finished another show of Rocky and Carm invited all of us to go back to Ell'so to relax and have a good time. We were all drinking and smoking, when Laf decides to play truth or dare. I wanted to avoid anything involving telling the truth and had picked only dares. They were all pretty normal dares. Then Laf just had to open their giant mouth.  
"Laura. Truth or dare?"  
"Dare."  
"I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room."  
I could see Danny smiling and her cheeks turning red. I knew I had to kiss her. But nothing I was telling my body to do was listening. Next thing I knew, I was crouched down by Carmilla and I kissed her. She pushed me away and she looked scared. She looked at Danny and back at me. The way she looked at me is indescribable. I've never seen her eyes look at me that way. I saw Danny get up and rushave out of the room.   
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Carmilla said to me. Ell looked pissed off. I just stood there while everyone around me looked angry. Laf said they would take me home.

I kept saying that I needed to go and apologize or explain myself, but Laf said it would be a very bad idea.  
"You're new frosh. I wouldn't expect you to understand, but there's history with Carmilla and Danny. There's been times in the past when people only dated Danny to get closer to Carm. It really fucked with Danny. I don't think that's the case with you, but I would advise to stay away for a while." I nodded as I cried silently. Laf looked at me and said it would eventually work out but I just needed to stay away for a while. 

When I got home I went straight to my room and sat by the window. The clock said it was 11:15. I sat there and stared at the trees. The clock then said it was 4:45. I sat and stared out the window for over five and a half hours. I just felt so numb. I still feel numb. Something isn't right. I messed everything up and something isn't right with me and I have no one to talk about it. 

Love Always,   
Laura


	14. All Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura deals with the aftermath of kissing Carmilla instead of Danny. Sorry still really suckered at summaries
> 
> TW  
> not really talks of depression but you can hint that Laura is depressed with her actions  
> Alight misgendering  
> Parental abuse towards child  
> Talks of pot usuage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Once again I've been out of the loop for quite a while. Things got very hectic as they always do. New job and school. Boyfriends and girlfriends. Losing new job from restaurant closing. Getting really really sick then job hunting and starting a new job on top of trying to catch up on weeks of school that I've missed. But fear not to those who actually read this story, hears the next chapter.
> 
> P.S.  
> Sorry for any and all typos. I don't own a computer so it's all cell phone based and I'm also blind as a abatement and my phone likes to correct things without my knowing

Dear friend,

It's been two weeks since I've heard from my friends. Nobody has called me. It's all my fault and I know that it is and I'm sorry. But the last two weeks have been hell.

I called Danny a few times and tried to apologize.  She just kept saying "it's too late Laura. You fucked everything up with the friends I've had since kindergarten. "I know I fucked it all up. It broke me a little bit hearing it and hearing her call them her friends instead of ours.

I then called Laf a few times. I wanted to how everyone was doing and if they wanted to hang out. Just the two of us. All they said was "Elle is super pissed at Carmilla.  And as far as hanging out, I can't.  I have family stuff I have to clear up and I'm hanging with Per." I knew by family stuff they meant they were taking care of Carm.

This sucks.  The one person I never wanted to hurt or cause pain to was hurting because of me. I wish things would go back to the way they were. I feel so alone.  I don't want to be this kind of person that has to rely on meds to even slightly function.  I want to feel normal. I don't want to feel alone. I don't like to be alone. 

Funny thing is, I'm the one who is avoiding everything and everyone. I just stare out into space and feel myself zone out. Thoughts of how I messed everything up replays in my mind and is a constant reminder that I caused so much pain to the people I care the most about.  I sit by myself and I walk the halls alone.  I feel like I'm not even living. 

I saw an old friend from middle school one day. Mel. Mel, Natalie and myself were friends. Now she acts as if neither one of us existed. I walked up to her and asked if she ever misses her. Not like I was trying to be mean. I just wanted to know. She just stares at me and doesn't say anything so I left. I hear her yelling out that I'm a freak. She's not wrong. No wonder no body likea me.

I called Kirsch and asked if had any pot I could buy off him. He said yeah and to come over. I needed a mood changer. The last time I had pot, it put me in a good mood so I thought why not. When I got there, he asked me if I heard what happened to Laf and Perry.  I said no. Then he told me "Per's mom came home and saw them together.  Started throwing fists. Hitting Perry,  hitting Laf.kept saying no daughter of hers is going to be a dyke and be with another girl. Perry corrects her and says "Laf isn't a girl, they're non binary" and her mom slaps her across the face saying her daughter is not allowed to be with that freak. Laf just stood there watching Perry in the corner trying to cover her face from the blows her mom was dishing out. Apparently it didn't work though because Laf saw blood on her mom'a hands. Finally Perry yelled at them to get out. They left and no one has heard from Perry since."

I tried calling to see if they were OK but no one ever ed answered. I want to be there for them. To show them no matter what that i still cared.

A few days later, I decided to sneak into their Rocky performance. I waited until the show started so I wouldn't start a scene.  It was the only way for me to show them that I still cared and supported all of them even if they never know about it. It's was nice to see them. It was nice to see Carm and Laf. It was nice to even see Danny. I think it was one of their best performances. 

After the show, I went back home. JP was there with his new girlfriend.  They were watching a movie.  I asked if I could watch it with them and he said no and that he didn't want me around.  I knew he didn't want me to be around, but I just wanted some company.  I just didn't want to be alone anymore. 

Love Always, 

Laura


	15. Can We Be Friends Again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a fight and Laura turns things around  
> Still shitty at summaries
> 
> T/W  
> Violence  
> Derogatory terms  
> Misgendering/wrong usage of name  
> Blacking out

Dear friend,

I think for once in a very long time, things are starting to look up. Things just changed so quickly. 

The Monday after the whole Laf and Perry thing, Perry came into school and wasn't herself.  Her face didn't look too horrible from her mom'said beating. Just a little bruised. She told everyone she was jumped at the park.

Laf tried to talk to Per multiple times, but she just ignored them. It was odd to see Laf wall up to Perry.  She wanted their relationship a secret so school was off limits. 

During lunch, I would sneak out to go smoke and I would see Laf doing the same thing. They never saw me, but I always saw them. They just sat there and cry. When I would see them in school, they just looked towards the ground. It was if they had given up.

Towards the end if the week, I had decided to eat in the cafeteria.  It was the first time I had seen Laf looking alive.  Not in a good way though. They looked angry. They went up to talk to Perry while she sat with her cheerleading friends.  I couldn't hear what was being said, but I can tell they weren't nice words. Then Laf threw their hands up as if they completely given up hope and walked away. That's when Perry yelled out "yeah walk away you faggot freak!" Laf asked what she said and again Perry yelled out "you're a freaky faggot Susan!" Laf lost it and punched Perry square in the face . She grabbed her nose and I could see blood. Then she attacked Laf. She punched them repeatedly.  Blood was everywhere. Then Laf kneed Perry and was able to kick her off and punched her. Then two of Perry'so friends grabbed Laf.  Perry got up and punched Laf in the stomach.  Laf was crying and their face was already starting to bruise.

I was too shocked seeing at what was happening.  Then I saw Carmilla running towards her siblingand was pushed towards the ground. She hit her head on the table. I then get up. Seeing that made me snap out of my state of shock. I pushed my way to the front and pulled back my fist...

I blacked out. I don't remember what I did. I came to and saw the chearleaders.  One had blood running down her face and the other had two black eyes and a swollen kneecap.  I looked down at my own fists. They were bruised and bloody. Perry was just standing there and Laf was crying on the floor. Everyone was staring at me. "Touch my friendson again and I'll make sure I blind you. And if this ever happens again, I'll tell everyone everything." Thathe last part was just for Perry.

The principal got all of us. Laf is suspended for a month for starting the fight which is bullshit.  The 2 cheerleaders got 3 days for holding down Laf and Perry and myself only have a month's worth of detention for defending ourself/friends. 

During first detention,  Perry said thanks for stopping them and started to cry. I just started there and stared out the window. 

When we left, Carmilla was sitting on a bench. She was waiting for me and she smiled when she saw me "do you remember what happened?" I shook my head, "you saved Laf'so life. You made it so I still have a sibling to go home to." My eyes started to water up and I said I was sorry for everything that happened.  That it was all my fault.  Carm said "I'm still angry at you. You hurt Danny'so and I friendship. She was and always been there for me when Marcus molested me. I know Xena and I bicker, but she's my friend.  But even though I'm pissed at you, I forgive you and I thank you for defending Laf." As I started to cry I asked "so you don't think I'm a freak?" "No." Carm replied. "Can we be friends again?" "Yes" "Laf too?" "Yes." "And everyone else? " "and everyone else. You're a wallflower remember? Just like the rest of us. You're an idiot and maybe a psycho but that's ok. We can be idiots and psychos together. " 

She took me home and held me while I cried.  She told me that everything would be ok.

Despite everything that's happened,  I feel normalish again. I finally had my friends back.

Love Always, 

Laura


	16. Did you hear the one about Lily and Parker?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Laf start to spend some more time together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hey guys. It's been almost a year since my last update. And it's been completely crazy too. I had school and two jobs. I graduated and moved out and still have two jobs. I work like 80 hour weeks and on my off time I sleep for the most part but I'm going to try and be better and finish this.

Dear friend,

So I apologized to Danny. She's still pretty mad at me. But I completely understand. I'm just happy to have my friends back. I've been spending a lot of time with Laf mostly.

They called me the other day and told me to be ready and that they be over soon. When Laf showed up I could tell hey haven't had any sleep. They looked like they had drink coffee all night. No shower and in clothes from the night before. They looked absolutely rough. 

We drove all through town. Went to the movies Athens record shop. When Laf looked tired, they'd get another coffee. They kept saying the same things too. They'd say " I feel so good. And today is the day. Today is the day I finally get over Perry. It's time to move on. I'm feeling free you know?" And just like that, we do something else. Once the sun started to set, Laf would take me to the places where they would meet Perry. They wouldn't say much. Just look out the window and continue to drive. 

We did stop at the golf course though. We sat at the last hole on top of the hill. Laf had bought some alcohol and had been drinking it for a while. "Did you hear the one about Lily and Parker?" They said. "No." Is all I could say. "Well rumor is they were madly in love. And one night they came up here for a special night. They had decided to lose their virginities to each other. She brought a picnic basket he brought some music. And when it came time to do it they realized they forgot a condom. So they decided to use one of the sandwich bags." " oh my god. That is so gross!" I'd say. And it went on like that for a few hours. We'd just swap suburban legends until we left.

"Thanks for everything Laura."  
Sure no problem."  
"I mean for what you did in the cafeteria."  
"Sure thing Laf"  
It was a nice little conversation and then Laf hugged me and I hugged them back. We held on to each other really tight. As I pulled away, Laf went in and kissed me. I was shocked but didn't move away.   
"Oh my god I'm so sorry!" They'd say.  
"It's ok Laf."   
Then they kissed me again. Like a real kiss. And I let them because they were hurting.

Laf took me home after that. Said bye to me and gave me a quick peck. I said bye and went to my room to think about everything. I don't know how to help.

Love always,  
Laura


	17. Proms, pranks, and good byes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well i got a total 3 hours of sleep last night. Having to be at the hospital early. Dads getting quadruple bypass and while I waited I thought I'd just keep on going with chapters until I fell asleep. Thank god I don't have to be at work until 6 tonight.

Dear friend,

Laf and I had gone back to the golf course a few times. Sometimes we go to the park. Each night they seem excited until there's a lull in the evening and then they just get sad. 

They continue to drink and I sip. Each night they take me home, they kiss me goodnight and say they will see me in the morning. And then we do it all over again the next day. 

Sometimes when we go to the park, Laf would pick someone up and I would just sit there and smoke and drink from the bottle of alcohol they brought until they come back. One time we saw Perry and Laf just about lost it. They took me home. They didn't even kiss me good bye. Just said bye and drove off.

I also only have like a month left of school. The seniors only have a few weeks. I wish I was leaving with them. But I'm not. 

I really wish I could go to prom with. I was able to see them before they left. Everyone all looked so nice. Carmilla went with Elle and she looked so beautiful. They all rode together in a limo and I went home. They also did pulled an awesome prank led by Laf. They used thousands of grape kook aid packets and put them in the school swimming pool.

Carmilla became broodier than normal. Elle had taken her to a hotel room after prom where she found out that Elle had been cheating on her for most of their relationship. So was ready to leave for school to forget about her and to meet some new people. She had actually got early acceptance for her main choice school. Only problem is, she leaves right after graduation. At least she's within an hour driving distance so I can go visit her in the weekends.

I'm going to miss them so much. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Love always,  
Laura


	18. Goodbye Carmilla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Graduation and the night before carmilla leaves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is going to be a longer chapter. It's the whole climax of the story so it's almost over guys. 
> 
> Also I use a combination of both movie and book. So some things Ill leave in others I'll leave out and I combined some chapters.
> 
> T/W  
> Depression   
> Talks of molestation  
> Talks of suicide

Dear friend,

I'm going to tell you about us running. We ran forever. Carmilla, Laf, Danny and I, we ran and chased the sun. There were smiles on all of our faces. It was perfect.

They graduate tomorrow. And I'm both happy and sad. They all get to move on and learn new things. Become the people who they're meant to be, but at the same time, I'll be here. They won't be here with me anymore. That saddens me.

JP gave a speech at graduation. It was really good. In the fall he'll be going to some Ivy League school. He looked so handsome in his cap and gown. After the ceremony, I looked everywhere for Carmilla and Laf. They were nowhere to be seen. 

They did call later that night to invite me over for a graduation party. Since Carmilla is leaving the next day it just made sense. 

Everyone was there. Kirsch showed up with some "special" gifts. Danny had her new girlfriend Betty there.

It turns out Betty and Elle were friends. For a while everyone was mad at Betty since she knew about Elle cheating on Carmilla. She had said " either you tell her or I will." Threats when the truth came out. 

Since everyone I cared about was there, I decided to do something big for them. I gave Danny some copies of books I knew they would enjoy. And I gave Laf and Carmilla each a box. Inside were copies of my favorite books and a hand written note.   
"What does it say?" Danny asked Carmilla.  
"Dear Carm,   
Even though these books are beaten, battered, and torn, they are still beautiful and still valuable. They still hold stories. Some good and some bad, but these stories are what make the book. The fact that they are so torn up just shows how much the user of the books loved them. These are my books and they remind me or you. I want you to have them and know that if you ever get lonely, I'll be there with you. 

Love always,   
Laura"

There were signs of tears forming and everyone was quiet. There was a sad smile on her face and she got up and hugged me and said thank you. Laf announced they were tired and was heading off to bed. After that, everyone fluent off their separate ways.  
"Hey cupcake.? Will you come up stairs and help me finish packing ?"  
"Sure Carm."

Her room looked just like it did on Christmas but her red walls were bare and her bookshelf was emptied.  
"How come you never asked me out?" After Elle and I ended, why didn't you ask me?"  
"I never thought you would be interested in someone like me."  
This wasn't the kind of conversation I was hoping for.  
"Carm, you told me not to think of you in any way. So I listened."  
"But you do think about me in that way?"  
"Of course I do Carmilla. But after Elle, you were hurting."  
"So. Laf was hurting and you let them take you out on a daily basis. You even let them kiss you multiple times. Why?"  
"Because they needed it. To feel better I suppose."  
"But don't you see? I'm not like that. If you like me then be honest. But I want you to like me for me. I don't want to be the silly crush in your head. I want to be taken off of whatever little pedestal you have me on and just see me for who I truly am!"  
"Carm, I know I'm quiet and reserved and probably should talk more, but I see you. I've always seen you. And I sit and think how we're so much alike. And I see how beautiful you are. And you're special. God dammit Carmilla, you're so fucking special to me."

I kissed her. After my rant, I kissed her and she didn't pull away. She kissed me back. It was soft and gently. Her hands cupping my cheeks my fingers in her hair. She pushed me down onto the bed. There was so much kissing and there were fingers. Fingers tugging at each other's hair. Fingers tugging at each other's clothes. Then fingers under each other's clothes. Fingers taking clothes off. Having such an intimate moment. 

Carmilla let her hands explore. Grabbing my breasts, pinching my nipples. It made me feel good. I wanted to make her feel what I was feeling so I mirrored her movements. I flipped us. And I was kissing her again. Hands exploring her body. Carmilla moved one of my hands inside her pants underneath her underwear. I've never done this. But I tried for her. I tried to show her my love through my movements. Soft moans escaped her mouth. She said she wanted to touch me like that and she moved her hand inside my pants too. Underneath my underwear. She was touching me.

I stopped and sat up right away. I spaced out and I remembered something.  
" are you okay? Did I do something wrong? Did I move you too fast?" Were are she kept saying. I told her I wasn't ready. I didn't want to do it because we felt like we had too. What she doesn't know though is that it has already happened to me. I didn't realize it until now.

Uncle Vordie. My mind raced me back to when JP and I were kids. We'd stay up late and watch late night tv. JP always passed out first.   
I realized that my uncle would touch me the way I was touching Carmilla. The way she wanted to touch me. It all sort of started to make sense to me.

I told Carmilla I was going to sleep on the sofa. Even though she said I could share her bed and she promised not to do anything funny I still opted for the sofa.

Every time I closed my eyes, I would see him. Or I would hear him. "It has to be our little secret." He would say. I started to hate my favorite person and somehow I started to hate myself. Carmilla shouldn't be with someone like me. Yes she went through the same things I did, but she's perfect and fine. I'm so fucked up. I have black outs and I drink and smoke and do drugs. At first I thought it was just because my friends were but then I started to realize it wasn't. It was making me feel numb on the inside. I didn't want to feel anything so I'd numb myself. I didn't want to feal anything anymore. I just layer there with my eyes open.

Laf was the first to see me in the morning. They said "wakey wakey frost! We got pancakes!" Carmilla asked how I was doing and I said I was tired. She took it at face value. 

After we ate, everyone came back. We all said our goodbyes to Carmilla. I was the last person she said goodbye to.   
"I'll see you at the end of summer ok? And just so you know, I'm afraid to be all alone too. I know we're all leaving and you won't have us here but I won't have you there cupcake. So if it gets too much for me, I'm calling you. Just like if it gets too much for you, you call me. I'm here for you Laura. And I love you so much."

She didn't care who was watching when she leaned in and kiss me. She didn't hear the hoots and hollering. She didn't here Kirsch clap with excitement. But I did. I heard it all.   
"I love you too Carmilla."

She got in her truck with Laf in her passenger seat and they took off. And I walked down the road. I saw it all. All the things I had blacked out on. All the ways people looked sad. All the ways my friends looked sad. How Carmilla looked sad. And I couldn't take it. I wanted it to stop. I kept saying "stop stop stop" over and over again. 

I called JP and told him it was my fault Uncle Vordie died but I was happy he was. I hung up.

So I'm letting you know that I'm sorry for this. For this letter. It's not a good one. I wish you didn't get this letter. But it's ok because you don't know me. You've never seen me in the halls. We've never shared a class. But you aren't random. You were picked because you are kind. But Carmilla deserves better than me. Everyone deserves better than me so I'm going to take me out of the equation and everything will be ok. I promise you.

Goodbye friend,

Laura


	19. Hospital Visits and Happy Endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura's time in the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the end of the story. I hoped you all enjoyed it.

Dear friend,

I want to start off by saying I'm sorry for that last letter. I wish you would have never received it. If I'm being completely honest here, I had no idea that I sent it out. 

JP had one of his friends call 911 and also called my dad. I was found sitting naked in the living room with a knife in my hand staring at a blank tv screen. I was then taken to the hospital to be evaluated.

They said I didn't speak at all. That sometimes when they would come back to check on me, I had moved but I never spoke. I never acknowledged anyone. JP and dad would come and just talk to me from what I'm told. Laf would show up from time to time. From what I'm told. But I never did anything. 

Then I just snapped out of it. I was told that I had been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks. 

After that, things were ok. JP and I would play cards or talk. Laf would come by and tell me all about what's going on in the outside world. They never treated me any differently. It made me happy knowing I wasn't seen as crazy. 

Everyone else came too. Kirsch and Danny came by. Betty had showed up once and it was nice to talk to her for a bit. Elle even showed up. 

Even though I didn't really like her we still hung out and it was still sweet that they came to visit me. Almost everyone who is important to me came to visit. Everyone but Carmilla.

Laf waited a week to tell Carmilla. They made everyone do some insane pinky promise not to say anything to her. They wanted Carm to enjoy her first week. 

Laf said she wanted to come as soon as she heard. They said they heard a loud crash on the other end and then was called some very mean things and she was pissed that she didn't know sooner. Laf also said they told Carmilla that she couldn't come. Not yet. Laf said I wasn't ready.

Just like there was good days, there were also bad ones. I didn't like going to therapy. I didn't enjoy talking about what had happened to me. I can remember it all now. I wish I didn't. My therapist said it was a good thing to know. She had said "Even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." Somehow it made me feel better.

The worst day though was when the therapist told my dad and brother what had happened to me. I've never seen my dad cry, but there he was crying. He came up to me put, put his hand on my head , and kissed my forehead. He hugged me and I felt safe.

I came home yesterday. I was in the hospital for 2 months. I remember that I got a letter from Carmilla when I was in the hospital and she had said she missed me. That she wishes I wasn't in the hospital and that she would be back at the end of the summer. If I was up for it she wanted to take me out and drive through Themis tunnel that makes you feel infinite. That I could even stand on the bed in the back of the truck.

Dinner went on like normal. We talked and joked. We wished JP nothing but the best at college and then there was a knock on the door. I went to answer it and there was Laf and Carm. Her smile was so big and she gave me this huge hug.

We drove in her pick up all through town. We had reached the tunnel from the letter and I crawled through the back and stood up. At first I just stood there holding on to the truck, feeling the wind hit my face. Feeling free. Tears were running down my face with a big smile on my face. Right before the end of the tunnel, I spread my arms out wide to feel like I was flying. It was the best feeling I've had in a long time.

So tomorrow I start my sophomore year. I'm not even a little bit nervous or scared. I also want to say this is the last letter you will receive from me. Things are good now, and even when things aren't good, they will be. I couldn't have done this without you. I hope you have a great life friend.

Love always,

Laura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was the end. A part of me wishes it wasn't over. Maybe I'll do my own little spin off. Or maybe an epilogue. Let me know what you think. 
> 
> Also thanks for dealing with all those horrible spelling errors. Blind as a bat over here. And thank you for sticking it through the end. It's been fun.


End file.
